It is pretty clear an indication when the moment he tried to open his eyes, the slit that slower grew wider with the rays blurring the vision and slower gaining the clearance of vision - that it is a brand new day.

He is really thankful for the morning rays. Especially when there's an opportunity to witness the first few rays of crimson crossing through the reddish sky - and he himself lay straight across his own single bed overlooking the scenery outside.

Never mind the stony walls around. Never mind the monotonous white flats around. Never mind the silence.
Never they mind.

Not the mind though.

The subconsciousness tried to grab hold of him to reality. Sometimes the mind worked much more efficient than the human controller could be. Well, sound ironic. But it just means that the mind can control the entire human being itself. Never mind the physical limitation. Well, the thing about physical limitation is that it gives feedback to the mind what to do and what not to do.

What not to do. Something he recalled earlier.

It is a good thing that it is a weekend. A day when he found out that he has nothing to do. Which is a good thing. He hasn't have the luxury to be idle for a long time. Being idle is not an issue. Being idle sometimes can be.

But never mind the 'supposed-to-be' ethics. Today's a free day.

He recalled about his recent life, and all the huge commotion on microscopic view of his life.
Things have really moved on, is it?

The crimson ray gave him a vision of analogy. That fits into the first ray of hope in his life.

It has been a long time since he felt that God has been always there for him. It sounds strange, because if the term 'always' is actually redefined, it has to be judged on different perspective. It is humanly to sometimes feel neglected and forsaken. Especially when loneliness is the key ingredient to his own depressive path.

Depressive. That reminds him of the stony walls.

For the past year, he had struggled upon letting go his ex-girlfriend. The remnants of the memories always lingered from time to time, but it was the countless reminder of his close friends (which surprisingly includes his ex-girlfriend's best friend) that told him to look at the journey, not flashing back the time when he and his girlfriend were still together. Those memories are sweet, yeah I know, but those are not the only ones you have. The journey is where life is sweetest.

Somehow that day allowed him to review the journey. And truly, that one year, he had learned a lot about life.
The journey was to him a tough one. Considering one that he couldn't imagine going through, he never thought he could walk through that one year surviving... and leaning more to the Maker.

The Maker. He had always wanted to talk to the Maker on an intimate level.

Yeah, the intimacy. That reminded him of the compromised, false intimacy that he kept looking for. He tried sexual intimacy. He did it with his ex, and it hurt him to realize that the innocence could never be reclaimed. Worst, the damage done to her is never retractable. But that did not stop him to earnest repentance. Rather, because of the yearning that consumed him like how alcohol got the best of him when he was younger, he inappropriately ask his female close friends for just the physical to have the intimacy felt. Such a cheap compromise.

The rejections did much to stop him, but it was not their rejections that woke him from a heart of remorse. It was when he arrogantly seek friends' counsel about his action and their rejections and his resolution.

"I am not surprised that you did that. That's how bad we are. All of us fall short before God. We are condemned even when we are stillborn in our mother's womb. We are that shitty."

The term 'shitty' got stuck in his head so long that it converted one day, after fully digested and articulated that thought - a sudden gush of sadness and feeling sorry for himself - that in the entire night - he cried. Hard.

He returned back his mental roaming back to reality. He decided it was time to get up.

The first strength used to push his muscles seem weak, but they sustained his every move. He trod towards the window pane.

The trees in the middle of the road sheltered the cars below. The traffic seemed quite slow, and only a few trucks were around. I guess the time is still too early, he thought. Then the walkway across each other separated by the streams of road was actually very empty, considering the fact that there's already light shining down.

He wasn't too keen to impart descriptions of the scenery into his head, but as he tried to look idly into the sky above, he was caught up by the signs of greenery on top of the corridor that was rightly below his pane.
The corridors are attached right at his level, which was in the middle of a 14-storey-flat overlooking the streets below. And on top of the much-dirty-and-filled-with-stray-cements-pieces, he noticed the stray grass he normally see at well-cultivated gardens.

Ah, the grass. Even at this kind of environment. Despite the so-ugly-and-dirty environment.

The environment... The circumstances.

How often he felt like giving up, he thought himself.
It is difficult to comprehend, but to him it was one of the monumental moment when he had this realization.

"Yes, we know we are shitty, and we are inherently evil. That's the curse of the sin. But remember, the Love of God enabled you to ask for mercy for your evil doings. And in that, you learn to love yourself because He loves you first."

In the moments when people met their darkest moment, it wasn't the hollow comfort of "don't worry, just trust God more", "it's okay, things will be okay", etc that will help the matter. Rather, it is a careful insights of understanding the person, and not putting a judgment, and admitting the inability, and focusing on the others, that got the burden lifted.

He remembered the time when he was being advised as such. He knew why the advise was given. The counterpart went through the tough time with him. And not just the counterpart. There are friends that earnest love him and instead of giving comments and advises, they walk with him. Sometimes in silence, sometimes in empathy. Mostly they embraced the feeling he felt. When he felt horribly sad, they don't try to cheer him up. They took the part where he was sad, and they felt the sadness together. Sometimes they hold him in prayer, but not until after embracing the pain together.

Sometimes the silence and the presence mixed together are a good mix for a person's well-being. That's what he understood.

To have someone understand how he feels because they were willing to go through together reminded him of the patch of grass. You will never see a lone grass leave on the surface. It is with a whole bunch. Some of the leaves are short, some are long.

That goes the same too for different individuals. Some may have better insights in life, and they advanced further and more mature in handling difficulties. Some may not have the luxury because they are so consumed by various difficulties in life, and perhaps still got stuck in the situation. But the fact that it is in a bunch spoke a lot of life analogy there. For by that bunch the beauty comes not as individual, but as a collective measure. Everyone walked through different things in life, no doubt, but they walked together.

That patch of grass gave him a timely reminder too, that despite humanistic act of togetherness, it was God who allowed the grass to grow there, at the tough spot on top of the dirt-infested corridor.

So perhaps is the same as well as his life where he is now.

The bunch of grass perhaps stayed there because God had a plan for him to be placed in such circumstances with these bunch of people. They may not portrayed the kind of characters he was looking and yearning for, but their earnest support and love was all that he should and would need. And time and time again showed how much he was wrong about trying to isolate and keep looking for the right group of people.

The patch of grass. And it could grow as well.

The growth of the grass would definitely include the various size as well. Oh yeah, the size.

As he grew in love with these bunch of people, there will be a growth in people as well. Social circle widened radially. More contacts with various group of people. And God's greatest commandment: "Love Your God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul and your strength" comes together with "Love your neighbor, just as how you loved yourself."

And the best part about the patch of green is that the shortest stub would definitely grow in size. If the shortest stub looked at the others surrounding him, of course, he would always feel inferior, especially when he could not see what's around. But when he bothered to make a measurement of himself a few days back, few months back or even a few years back (if it was even possible in the lifespan of a wild grass), there's definitely growth.

"I am the God of creativity. I created each and everyone of you based on what I deem as good for you. And the path you choose and the road you will walk will not be the same as the other people. Don't get too agitated if you can't get what you wished for because others have it. I have better plans for you. Just fix your eyes upon Jesus. Just fix your eyes towards the end goal - what God wants for you, my dear."

"Trust in your Maker. I have not spared my Son, because I know that you will, at times, forget that you cannot handle sin. My Son who was dead, is now alive because I know that you will, at times, forget how unstoppable my strength imposes against sin. My Son who is now alive sits at the throne to intercede for Me because I know that you will, at times, forget that I can help you when you feel helpless. You may not feel that I have never gone through your pain. Well, you could say that as much as you please. I will not say anything. I will just show you My Son."

And that is all that matters. Strangely, the reflective morning quickly turned into a bright yellow sunny day, with the crimson sky no longer burns the red, but with sky turning bright like a yellowish-white.

"The sin, tainted by scarlet - I will wash it till it is white as snow.
I who am God, the Yahweh, am I too small for your sin?"

----------------------------------------------------------

I am inspired by a recent trend of narrative blog post. Although they wrote in quite a imaginary perspective, I would rather put my narration based upon my reflection in recent life, mixed with a life analogy.

I think there are plenty of people out there who are facing depressions. I myself was one, and I dare say too that it may become a familiar territory for me if I have a tendency to fall back when life fails me.

But I recently learn the beauty of "you are not alone". Especially when there's a Person that I know who I can attest that He went through what I have gone through. And He knows the pain. God gave me a glimpse of envisioning His struggles, and to this day I cannot forget how much my pain meant to His mission.

It is a beautiful thing that despite the crucifixion, the torments never entangled Him. Rather, He redeemed the pain and bring to glory resurrection.

Thank you for reading, my dear readers. Please pardon the lengthy, windy, often-distracting blog post.

As the consciousness starts to break in,
So is the mind start working,
Not that it has not worked since night,
Just that in subconsciousness my mind roams its right.

I have a breaking thought,
How things would have been better if it was just like yesterday,
When I have the fun, the lust and the gush,
Not caring a single pain of the conscience.

To have fun is nice,
But you will forget what's right,
And the more you quench that thirst,
The more parched your lips seemed.

As there hence, I woke from my bed, after the lust satisfied,
The sudden gush then comes,
The guilt, the agony, the loneliness,
Then realizing once again, I roamed into the path forbidden.

When I look to the mirror, I remembered distinctly,
What it was used to be like, when I was in pain and agony,
And I cried out to God, ask for help,
When I know nothing else matters, except Thee.

Strangely, it seemed like a strong avenue,
When you have done enough of cutting the wrist,
When you have enough of having a gun pulled the trigger pointing on head,
When you have seen enough of blood flowing freely, with the eyes pertruded.

All in the mind's imagination,
Yet the provocation is never ending,
And soonest you find yourself,
Likened to stay there, just like a sandstorm, sucking you in.

That's where I found something strange,
That in the midst of downward spiral,
A strange, soft whisper beckons me back,
As if I have been far, and now I need to be back.

It sounds so tenderly, and so huskily,
Yet the sound is distinctive, never lost, never gone:
"Ren, remember who you initially are, remember who you are,
You are mine, and mine alone."

"You come in brokenness, you come in despair,
Knowing that nothing else can make things right,
Lest someone higher than your capability makes things right,
That that person could redeem your moment when you suffer throughout the night."

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted,
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth,
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

It was those promises that cling to me,
That made me realized, yes: I am bad, I am evil,
But that's the point: so that for all love's sake,
God can work in me, the path where I always wanted to be.

So humbled should I be, broken should I be,
Remembering that I am evil, and that God is holy,
Therefore I submit to Thee, and work in me,
Never will I want to look back, and let it be.

There were things that I did that I know I shouldn't be,
And till this day I wish I could still be back like the good old days,
So now forgive me, and pray for me,
So that till time comes, I could confess and cling to Thee.