It has been a while since I talked about music - in any regards, so I decide to introduce a song that I recently had it on repeat loop.

Saosin is actually, ironically, an American punk band who started on believing in 'carefulness'. Sao sin is actually a misspelled Chinese phrase "Xiao Xin" (小心). Their specific caution was actually directed more on relationship, which is why their earlier albums, such as 'Translating The Name' spelled out a lot of caution when it comes to committing in relationship, because of the potential heartbreaking and the disappointment in knowing some of the bad things your counterpart might be.

However, as they got themselves a new vocalist, the direction becomes heavily inclined towards inspiring hope on people, perhaps a connotation of 'heart' may have inspired 'writing from the heart'.

I, in particularly, liked 'Seven Years' and 'Translating the Name' not because of the lyrical direction, although I have a certain awareness of the reservation of commitment spelled out inside. But on recent notes, one particular song came out so strong that it never failed to wet my eyes with salty liquid (tears, of course) whenever I listen - especially when I was downcast with my own sinful and spiritual lows.

You're Not Alone.

The song itself suggests inspiration, but the lyrical content made me soared as well. Look at the writing of Cove Reber:
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You're Not Alone - Saosin

It's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love
He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left)
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
She's searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is here
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell
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What caught me wasn't the depths. Honestly, who won't understand and relate to this song? Saosin, being a typical punk band, won't bother going all the way, feeding you with spiritual, emotional, philosophical, psychological, or whatever kind of ideologies - just to prove to you that they are an intelligent band. And I am pretty sure they don't like to make themselves complicated as well.

The lyrics, though, appeal to me because of the simplicity. The lyrics may have implied a potential love-endeavors, but it could be interpreted in many ways. For example, the two persons don't have to meet each other, but they separately meet with someone who went through what they went through. Ironically, the lyrics also suggested these people as potentially us the listeners, and the vocalist in the band would like to appeal for us that they understand what we are going through.

Now, let me clarify one dangerous point of view here - such connotation doesn't necessary mean they correctly interpret our circumstances. The fact that the lyrics are open to interpretation suggested that they want us to relate to the song based on how we are experiencing loneliness. To me, the depths of my past mistakes, and the difficulties to struggle to people relating to me caused me to feel cold and lonely at many times.

This song does, at times, make the idea of 'relating-how-you-feel' sounds simple. For example, I can always throw back at questions like, "How would you understand how I feel about loneliness? You never go through what I gone through!"

Either I am over-interpreting it, or it was really a point of divine encounter: but the lyrics don't intend to suggest that they understand.

"You're not alone,
There is more to this I know,
You can make it out,
You will live to tell"

If there's any part that suggested they 'understand-what's-going-through", it is the line "There is more to this I know". Even so that may not have implied their full understanding. If you read it at its value, they are merely just suggesting that they know it is difficult, and not that simple - your journey in the shadow of darkness and bitter cold.

The beauty of listening to songs that you can relate a lot is not the lyrical depth. That is what I will always believe in.
The beauty of listening to songs that you can relate the most is when the simplicity of what they are trying to say is sent across to you, into your heart that is fueled by your understanding and relation through your mind.

In short - you don't need to read too much into the words in order to understand. You are awestruck in the face by the song that you will want to repeat it countless times, because it is so clear.

That is how this song affects me. Melody-wise, they play a simple 4-chord arrangement, with minor aeolian scales and occasional diminished chord as harmony. Beat-wise is straight as well. There is nothing fancy about this song both lyrically and musically.

What impressed me, therefore, is the simplicity of what they want to say. Simple and clear.

I don't want to suggest you to listen to this song like how I did, having it repeated like more than 10000 times (and still counting). Rather to take on an appreciative role, I am sharing you this song, based on how I listen, interpret, and enjoy this song for its mere simplicity. Sometimes good things don't have to come in complex, intricate and nicely-blended arrangement (such as Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, November Rain by Guns N Roses, Fade to Black by Metallica), but they can come in simple nice tune that speaks volume of their passion (just like our small band here, Saosin)

Any song you have in particular that speaks volume to what you feel? Mind to share?

I felt like a wounded child. Which is supposed to be a good thing, I guess.

I went to meet up with my ex-girlfriend yesterday. The original intention was that because she is leaving for studies in Australia for about 2 years. Thinking that I want to leave the past behind, I would like to wish her well, and telling her that I won't be coming down as part of the company to send her off in Changi Airport on that final day.

And I brought with me the left-over feelings for her that I thought nearly intensified yesterday.

It is easy to say that the action yesterday was a mistake, that I should have never thought about meeting up with her, start moving on and don't look at the past anymore. It definitely is easier to say these things. But...

"Part of me says to continue hoping that we can be together again. Part of me also says that we should not be together again." That's what she said.

I couldn't agree more to it, but I know that sooner or later, I will have to explain myself to God on this.

I shared a lot of my pains and my hurts about why I couldn't move on, but after saying them out, it seemed like both of us understand one thing: we will choose to listen to the part that tells us to remain as close friends. Nothing more than that.

She is currently with another guy, and I definitely see that it will make things complicated to ask for her to be with me. On the other hand, we both know that in my current state of mind, I am not ready for any deep commitment relationship for that matter. So, there's a lot of mutual sharing and for the first time, I get to hear her. Probably because I kept probing into asking her, "How do you feel?" instead of her giving me a supposed-text-book-answer to my questions about what has been going on.

The sharing made me, at least, realize one important fact - both of us are like wounded child. She may have gone through countless relationships, but her painful yearning for acceptance and commitment was so strong that she wouldn't mind settling for a cheaper alternative. Meanwhile, the other person (me) is still struggling to find his identity in Christ, daily living through reminiscing the past pains, anger and hurt towards people that he used to have strong dependence on, only to find betrayal, and dare not find a way of acceptance anymore. And it took great years for him to start to let his guard down, and let, firstly, his mentor, then his family, then the friends around, then some close net friends to befriend him for who he is.

Both of us are really like wounded child. It is no wonder why both of us are attracted to each other. We are trying to sooth each other by comforting each other with our presence, our love and our commitment: only to find that these that we have offered to each other are superficial.

It was no longer painful for me to watch her go. I guess, the time really taught me to live through my life being apart from attached, but the moment when I saw her go, I decided to hug her.

"Thanks for everything. You take care."

That's what I said.

I don't know what this meant to her, but I do hope that what she understood is that we cannot be together. But I am thankful for the journey went through.
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Throughout this one-and-a-half-year-journey, much weakness is revealed. To be honest, there are plenty moments when I just sit down on my table, looking out on the street across my living room, and start crying. The fact that I chose to survive was mainly because I realized that this tough period taught me to lean on to the promises that God never leaves me nor forsake me.

I had days when I felt so depressive because of my indecisiveness, and my wrong decisions, regardless of work, studies, music, girlfriend, church, old friends, my mama and my papa - that I really thought of killing me off. It is easy to say that when I have no other place to turn to. Friends disappoint me because they don't understand what I am talking about. Some closer ones appear to be judgmental, and I feared their comments. Some are female, and I have a strong tendency to get myself attracted because I thought I was heard - only to find myself being led down in a spiral of further non-understanding, just like how me and my ex-girlfriend ended up. I ran into music for comfort, playing those depressive songs - thinking that I could relate to them, but in the end, no matter how deep their lyrics are, I will still be convinced at the end of the day, I am alone in this myself. I went to church to seek comfort, only to find that sometimes Pastor disappointed me with a message so shallow with wisdom of Christ, and that I went feeling very nauseous about my spiritual health. I tried reading the bible, through Psalms, especially those that has me brought down to the pits of hell, but still I couldn't find anything deeper than that to ease my comfort. I have yet to go to substance abuse (although I did in the past, much younger than my current age), but momentary pleasures of pornography and masturbation still won't make things better as well. I will end up running the cycle convincing myself there's an object of 'love', and play the same video again and again in front of my eyes, and subconsciously, only to find myself kidding myself after I woke up from the dream.

What confounded me though, in a very unexpected way, is when at the depths of my own heart's worst emotions, God - of all, the creator of the universe, who could have been bothered with the possibility raging wars in Iran, the economic instability throughout the globe, the poor and the needy in Third World Country left to die, patriots and saints fighting for a cause, missionaries dedicated their lives to serve Him despite possible fatal encounters with cannibalistic tribes - of all, chose to come to me and tell me: "Ren, I will never leave you, nor forsake you. You matter to me." That confounded me.

That is why whenever I looked through the windows, overlooking the street across me, I am always in tears. The fact that I can visualize an image of God, who Moses so scared to see, who Isaiah and Jeremiah so long to want to see by themselves in holiness - bothered to come down, and tell me - "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

It was God that made me realize: it is okay. Pick ourselves up, and start walking into righteousness again. Learn first of to be loved by God. Learn that first.

You know, that was what I was looking for when I met up with my ex-girlfriend yesterday. I yearned for attention, satisfaction. But the more we chatted, and when we part, and the whole night I kept tossed, turned and cried - the more I realized I am looking at the wrong source. These silly actions that I did was just to prove one thing: let yourself be loved by God. The rest will take care of itself.

This morning, I looked across the same street again. Now with the window panes left ajar, I saw a reflection of a wounded child. A child that I kept seeing yesterday on the mirror. The ruggedness in the face, the heavy eye-bag, the scars on the side of the face, the pale complexion - they remind me of a wounded child. So wounded that the child has thought of giving up life.

But God took this wounded child, and decides to painfully mold him. He kept rebelled, walking away, far and beyond, but He always promised a route back home. And when the wounded child decides, enough is enough, God comes running towards.

"This child of mine who was once lost, is now found. Let us celebrate!"

Dear Father,

Thank you for loving me. I have yet to fully comprehend your love, but the trip yesterday taught me the hard ways of understanding myself more. I realized how dependent I am towards seeking attention and love, and sometimes I am willing to compromise for the sake of mere short-term excitement.

You definitely were there in the midst when me and my ex-girlfriend met. You halted and allowed the two wounded child to ponder about things in more rational manner, and decided with Your hands to keep us within a distance. I don't understand why, but I could only express my gratitude in halted, stammering manners. You know that yesterday you could have left me away, let me be in my own devices, and just let myself loose. You choose to interfere. And in our minds, we decide to embrace, not as lovers, but as renewed friends.

I don't know the works that you have done in her life, but I definitely know what you have done in mine. The past year has been a gainful insights of who I am. Much darkness is revealed, and for the first time, I am so convinced that I am so crap, useless, and a piece of shit who is ready to be sinful to the core, that unless I abide in You, there's no hope in my indulgences. God, I screwed up. Please forgive me.

God, yesterday was a lesson of humility. Humility in a sense, that I made the wrong decision, and learned that I can't even make any decision myself. But God, You chose to put your anointing on me, who is so indecisive, and start to pace myself in requiting Your love. Step by step.

The years have gone by, and if I were to look by as being a Christian, I could have served in monasteries or temples or missionary trips or pastoral training. But no, I am where I am today, and I gradually come to believe there's a reason for why you put me in this position, although I do not know the reason myself. So God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Till the end of the days, I will not be able to comprehend the plans you have for me in this part of my life, but God, at the end, nothing else matters. So God, since You already have taken my heart in whole, here I am, Lord. Speak, for Your servant heareth.

In Jesus' Name I pray, (and how lovely is the love of Jesus, who because He knew that one day, when we are so lost in our own complicated lives, that He can offer a way out for us, He chose to sacrifice His Deity for our dignity in God - and die to His self for our sake. Thank you Jesus.)

Amen. Amen.... A.... men....