I know this sound a bit sudden, but I need prayers. I tried, but I was so tongue-tied, because I am extremely nervous, now as I speak. There are plenty of things inside my mind. Very crazy very nervous.

It was supposed to be a humble setting. Playing at a shopping center that is relatively quiet and far from the city is something that I would think as humble. And of course, I have never been to that place before, so I can simply assume that there will be a small crowd.

But yesterday when I heard that I would be expecting 1000 audiences, and there are major acts like some Mediacorp artistes and some local band and Superband nominees, I got too nervous that I couldn't sleep well last night.

(Think of the terms above as something like this: Imagine you being in Pennsylvania, and Christina Aguilera, Nickelback and Jennifer Aniston is celebrating the New Year's Eve, and you are one of the opening acts. Of course, in the context of Singapore, they are not as big as the US acts, but they have a certain reputation back here.)

That's how nervous I am.

I don't know. I chose two songs that has deep meaning to me, and is not only relevant but also touched my heart greatly. I also do think that those songs are pretty good start to be the New Year Resolution for many of us.

1) Desperado - The Eagles
2) Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson

You can count on it from the fact that I don't really fancy these acts. I mean, The Eagles are more of country type, and Michael Jackson, although phenomenal, yet still remain as a pop-py tune to me. I am used to heavy metal, mathcore, alternative rock and rock 'n roll blues. These are quite a rarity for me to perform.

But I choose these two songs, because of the depth of the lyrics and how much it meant to me, especially Desperado.

I leave it to you to read up the lyrics online, but basically, it reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. Although towards the end, the resolution may not be as noble as you would wish it is, it's relevance to me poignantly rings throughout.

"You better let somebody love you, before it's too late."

The story of my life (as I mentioned in the 2009 Closure) has revealed, on very gradual yet perpetual basis, that I need to remember that God loves me. And that is why Desperado never fails to uplift my heart to God.

"Man In the Mirror" somewhat engages my heart towards making a difference in life. You know, we could all claim and try to make something, like stop abortion, free the social mind from materialism, and start thinking about what truly matters, but sometimes, when we fight against the demon, we became the demon ourselves. Not very hard to describe, but I don't mean literally start to do abortion, getting very materialistic or start being complacent. But rather, as we push our agendas too much, we tend to be minimizing the freedom that God has given mankind.

God allowed free will (in my humble opinion), because he knows that eventually we will realize what truly matters. After all, the single entity of love is one such beauty. We would eventually realize that when we love God with all our heart, all our souls, all our minds, we will want to obey the commandment, and will want God to help us all. In that manner, we are able to make a change - make a dent into the hard casings of the capital legalism that so dehumanize people to a form of law, entity and commodity.

And by starting to have a change in such a perspective, we are able to see clearer the world. Sometimes, it is hard not to see the sick and the weak by the road begging for food, but if we condemned them for being such because of their miseries in their lives, we are no different from the people during Jesus' time when Pharisees were glad they weren't 'tax collectors, prostitutes and lepers".

If you see a prostitute of your day, standing at the roadside providing sexual service, instead of offering money in return and wish her well, why not bring her to your family, give her the meals she needs and assure her that her worth is much more than selling her body? And this is so controversial a thought that people around you will think that you are asking for trouble. What if she steal your money? What if she abuses you so much that she ran away after getting what she wanted? Or she keeps coming back for more?

Ever thought about God's Grace?

He knows you will fail again and again. He knows that there are times when you will continue to indulge in sexual promiscuity, pornography, violently abuse your spouses, cheat your boss by given half-baked work, kill people to silence your secrets, and many other things you would imagine disgust Him. He knows that you are but a flesh.

But then, why instead of unleashing His deadly judgments on us, He let us live each day appreciating the blessings that came from God - through nature, through friendships, through lovers, through family, through hobbies, through enjoyment, through pleasures?

That's God's Grace. That's God's Love.

So, whenever you think about being defensive about doing something, especially those that required you to risk your well-being - think about God. Think about what He has done in you. Think about the endless mercies.

And start telling that person in the mirror to change his ways. (or perceptions and assumptions).

(By no means that will mean you will give excuse to let people continue to abuse you, violate you, bully you and turn you upside down. You know that when you have a Good Father, Your Father will not want these things to happen to you always and forever.)

It is a bit too extreme thoughts for many people, and me as well, sometime struggling through thinking about the extreme part of loving everyone despite them treating me like a door mat. To be honest, I still do at times.

But I think, what matters more is that when you want to rest your souls in God, you will eventually (and God will, in still small voices, say to you) learn what truly matters, what is the proper perceptions, what is the right attitude and how to handle the disturbance. These of course, can be left for next (other days) discussion, but as for today...

Therefore, if all that I could do is to ask for prayer, please pray for me to play these songs not with contempt and attractions, but with heart of humility. I know that there's a possibility of me being distracted by stars and artistes, but what truly matters is to play with my heart worn on the sleeve, and let people listen to the music the way it should be - music as a language to speak to the depths of human's heart, being carried out as an instrument to change the mind and the life of a person, through the gift of the Giver.

I sincerely hope that people listen to the lyrics, not watching to see who's cool and who's not onstage. And I admit, I am also one of those that needs reminding of that as well.

Signed. Ren.

"Dear God. I am feeling jaded, tired and lonely. There are times when I think that saving myself up for the one that I desire the most seems like a futile effort. Everything I do always fall out. I always fail. Keeping myself pure seems to be the hardest thing to do. My mind is jammed with lewd images and horrible things that I know none of my female friends would want to hear. Is the fight ever worth it? Would it even matter if I save myself up for the girl that I love and walking in faith in You as well?"

"Dear Ren, remember the cross. Remember how the cross redeems you."

"Dear God, but I keep failing. I keep falling apart. I keep on doing things I know I shouldn't. I always got lost into the vicinity of temptations, selfishness and things left unsaid. How can I be of such use to the life of many people out there who needs to hear you?"

"Dear Ren, why do we fall?"

"..."

"So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again. And it is a 'we' process. We are in this together."

"... Does that matter?"

"Does it not matter, dear Ren? You can fail me till your dying days of 60s, that will not mean that I will forsake you forever. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Never will I leave you. We are in this together. Just keep remembering that everytime you fall, 'we' learn to pick up ourselves. You never walk alone. And I mean it, Ren."

"Why Jesus, why does it matter to help me?"

"Because you are worth every bit of my time, Ren. You are. No question about it."

---------------------------------

Joshua 1:5
(God of Moses said to Joshua)
I will not leave you or forsake you.

---------------------------------

Perhaps the depression starts to kick in, and then comes the anxiety attacks, and then insomnia, and now...

I woke up quite early today, but that is not because of an early night sleep. In fact, I couldn't really sleep well, so I decide to read up 'The Art of Prayer' and '5 Languages of Love'. They weren't particularly helpful in making myself drowsy, but at least the luminance from my desk lamp near my desk helped a bit. So I tucked in by midnight.

And I woke up five hours later only to find a lot of things inside my head roaming around. Starting from a phone call yesterday that bugged me to find a solution for a temporal residence before the school semester starts, then comes my work where my head was so preoccupied with the immense impossibility of completing the assignment my boss gave to be completed by end of this week, and then comes the natural cravings for love and attentions, and the love-hate-relationship I was reflecting upon with some of my Christian friends, and of course, the dinner that I organized and intend to speak up about something tonight.

Perhaps it is the depression only, but to have it affect my body - that's another huge blow to me.

I have depressive thoughts that maybe I won't live to survive tonight - every night. But because I believe they are of satanic by nature, I tend to pray a simple prayer and think that maybe it would ward off.

I knew that it was half-hearted. I was already quite disappointed with so many of my Christian brothers and sisters in my church who I seeked refuge in the past, and now seem to be missing. One by one.

So that's why when I thought that I might not survive the night well, I thought maybe it is a good time to reflect before I die. Apparently God did not give up on me. I am still typing this through.

I missed Peter, Gabriel, Ryan, Alicia and Jocelyn. I really missed you guys. It sounds very sentimental, but to think that I can forge a new deep friendship with other people other than you guys, it sounds hard to me. I recently realized that I could be extroverted by birth, but introverted by societal's conversion. But - still - I yearn for attention, and what you guys have helped me through really matters. I missed you guys. Can we meet?

I don't know. I tried making new friends, and try contacting old ones. To be honest, I don't have much interest in getting in touch back with my University friends. Not that they are fake or something (they are not). But I don't like them. So that's why whenever I read about sermons on 'love your enemies' by Jesus, I felt quite guilty about it. When I don't like someone, apparently I made it look so obvious the feeling that I had was reciprocated.

I tried doing new things, but apparently too they are half-hearted. They are really. I want to pray, but apparently the deep barrenness I am feeling doesn't explain things well.

I read from 'The Art of Prayer' that sometimes, when the journey seemed dry and barren, it might be a good idea to enlist a friend or two to pray. Sometimes that mean to bring in commitment. And at this current stage where to me, 'nothing else matters', why does it matter anyway?

Anyway, I dare not say I am doing good, neither did I want to exaggerate and make things look bleaker than how they are supposed to be. I guess what I really want was attention, but at this current stage, the attention should be directed to God. I am not discounting God, definitely not. I am just... I want to be loved so bad it is killing me.

Grace. I missed you. Grace... please show me Yourself again, how Jesus dispenses You again and again to me each day.